Life to me:

4/13/20 ~ by Griz (aka Steve Stovner) ~
I wrote the following and sent it to my family.

Life to me, is being me.
When I can no longer be me, there’s no reason to be.

~ Griz 4/13/20 ~


4/14/20
Leah (Granddaughter #1) responded with:

But isn’t “me” an always changing definition or version?


Griz finally responds 8/13/24~ by Griz ~
I wrote the following response but never sent it, because it was a knee jerk rambling that I thought needed a lot of expansion and cleanup before sending. Today 8/13/24 (over 4 years later) I found my unsent response, reread it and decided “what the hell, it came from the heart, I stand by my words of the time, so let it be what it is”.


Yes “me” is a moving target. I’m a different big picture “me” today than I was in the 50s, 60s, 70s, 80s, etc. But the important (to me) essential aspects of “me” are the same. They manifest in different forms at different times, and beliefs evolve, but the core of what makes me “me” is the same. At some point I will cease to be a satisfactory version of who I perceive to be "Me". At that point I no longer want to be.

My explanation is long, complicated and rambling, but I will try to define what I mean by “me”

Let’s first take 2 extreme examples:

  1. My right hand gets mashed by 2 ton steel ? dropping on it. After massive reconstruction surgery it is clear that I will never recover more than minor hand function. A major hit to working with my tools, but I am still me (slightly modified but still me). Please do not pull my plug.
  2. Picture yourself standing at the foot a hospital bed. My body is laid out prone with tubes for breathing, tubes for fluids, tubes for waste and wires for monitoring all sorts of body functions. You hear the assisted breathing machine and the heart monitor. You see the EEG showing no brain activity. If possible, I would be screaming at you to pull the plug, go home and get on with “your” life. That is not Steve or Griz. That is not the US Army Paratrooper or the Aviation Electronics Instructor. That is not the Boeing Engineer, Sailboat Captain, Publisher, Creator, Inventor or Builder of Garaj Mahal. That is not Trish’s partner of 30 years. That is not “Grandpa Griz” or ”Grampa with a beard” or Dad. So why are you standing there? – I’m not there. That is not “me” on that bed. That is trash to be turned into ash.

Somewhere in between those 2 extremes, I cease to be "me" as defined by me. I am the one to decide where that point is.

I soundly reject the hypothesize and/or definition of “me” as “the heart is pumping so I still am me".

So………………
What is “me”?
Who am I?
Why am I here?

From a biological purpose perspective:

At a primeval level: I'm driven by self-gratification

At the spiritual level: - let's leave that for another time.

I see no incompatibility between my biological purpose and my primeval drives.
Conflicts ? yes. We need to make lots of choices every day.
The drives are there to keep us alive and functioning so we can and will fulfil our biological purposes. Not the other way round. Mankind does not exist to serve my needs - I exist to serve mankind's needs. The earth does not exist to feed me - The earth feeds me so that I will protect it. If we don't protect it, it will stop feeding us. etc.

e.g. Choosing my desire to procreate over the future health (or the very existence) of mankind. Absurd example...? Not really. If I knowingly choose to pollute the gene pool with defective genes, it may have little impact. If lots of people do the same, mankind is doomed.

e.g. Choosing to dump 1 tablespoon of poison in the ocean because its easier than proper disposal, seems not a big deal. But, 100 million people doing the same each year, will kill the ocean and eliminate 80% of the oxygen produced on earth each year.

Small daily, individual chooses have a massive impact. Me vs mine, mine vs mankind, mankind vs all biological life, biological life vs all life, etc. To be truly gratified I need to feel I made the right chooses or at least acknowledge my wrong chooses and choose correctly in the future.

Wow, what a digression that was:
Well not really, because it’s all part of Who am I? and What is “me”?

When I can’t:

Then I’m not “me” anymore. And I don’t want to “be” anymore.

When I am diagnosed Terminal (hopefully a long time in the future) l will start the formal process, under Washington State death with dignity law, to acquire the legal means (I want self-injection vs pills) for self-eradication. However, When the time comes, If “legal means” are not available, I will do it by any means available (messy or not, it will get done). And if I can’t do it, I really hope that someone will get my desires fulfilled. (You listening Renee, Leah, Kayla, Allie, Robby ????)


The fear of death follows the fear of life.
A man who lives life fully is prepared to die at any time

~ Mark Twain or Edward Abby or ? ~


Fear of death shadows fear of life.

  • A regretful soul may linger in hope of redemption
  • The egoistic may hold out for max attention
  • The overly proud may feel above death
  • A sinner may fear the possibility of Hell
  • A money grubber can’t let go of it
  • The insecure may fear disapproval
  • etc…………

A good life prepares you for death.

~ Griz 2020 ~


I can’t leave the subject of my death without dealing with “life-after-death” (whatever that means). Heaven, Hell or any other after death existence or experience does not worry me the least bit. I’m open to anything that comes (including nothingness).

I don't want to "be", if I can't be "me".



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